A Stitch in Time

We all tend to be a little more sentimental during this time of year. The change in weather, the holidays and the impending close of the year all have an impact on our thoughts and actions in some way or another. We hear and say “I Love You” more. We smile a little bit more. We indulge more in the things that make us feel happy. We spend a little bit more money and time on ourselves and the ones we love.

Some of us have a hard time dealing with this atmosphere and wish it would all pass just as quickly as it seem to have come. Yes, on the converse side of things, during this time of year, some of us ponder a bit more. We reflect on the last 12 months, our accomplishments, and our failures. The impact of loss during this time of year seems to be exponentially greater.

And, as we get older, most of us fluctuate between feelings of joy and sorrow during this time—taking the bitter with the sweet because, well… we have no choice.

Here’s a reminder for some and a bit of encouragement for us all to keep in the arsenal during this time.

God knew the good, the bad and the ugly about you before you were even formed in your mother’s womb. The mere fact that you were created and that you are still here… this is your assurance. You are here for a purpose, maybe even several. So, please, don’t give up. Keep pushing each day that you wake up and realize that you are still on this side of life. You were built specifically for this, whatever ‘this’ is and you were born to win.

I pray that each of you would find love, peace, joy and fulfillment in a way that is unique to your particular needs and desires.

Remember, our lives are but a few stitches within the fabric of time. Our individual stitches, when put together, create a pattern in that fabric and a pattern is far more outstanding and recognizable from a distance than a few stitches. With our lives, let us work together to make our communities like the patches of a quilt--places of beauty, warmth and security for those to come after us. Let us come together to create a masterpiece of love, fashioned with beautiful patterns that are as unique collectively as our individual selves. Each stitch enhances that beauty. Each stitch is important. Each stitch is made from a meticulous love. And, best of all, each stitch is necessary to make the body of work complete.

Let your motivation be love in all that you do and say.

Peace,
Nina Love, the Coco Muse

Getting Away With Murder

I hadn’t really been keeping up with the Casey Anthony trial but I did watch the verdict. I also watched the responses to the verdict on Facebook and Twitter which were clearly contrary to what was rendered. I, somehow, found a way to draw a parallel between the spit decision and my dating life. Bear with me. I’m going somewhere with this.

This Casey Anthony case has me wondering: Why do some people seem to get away with murder while others get life sentences for the same crimes? The law makes provisions for various degrees and intent but when it’s all said and done, murder is murder, right?

In the Anthony’s case, it can be argued that she got off because of her gender, her race, and/or the amount of money put into the case (around $4 million, paid for mostly by Florida tax payers, BAM!) The bottom line is that the jury could not ascertain that, beyond a shadow of doubt, that Casey killed her baby based on the evidence provided to them. Let me break it down for you “so it can forever and consistently be broke.” (That’s a line from Love Jones.)

When it comes to dating, people (I) tend to put up with all types, colors and smells of manure from certain individuals for the most peculiar reasons; reasons, so blatant but shameful to admit. So, why is it that some people get away with murder when others are put away for lesser offences? Here’s why.

1. They’re attractive. When I say ‘attractive’ I mean the person gets a pass on being a bunghole because they are physically attractive, popular, have some sort of notoriety, a lil more money. He or she is a ‘good look’ on paper and you’ve been waiting for a ‘come up’. Don’t allow anyone to get away with treating you like crap because of what you feel they can do for you in the long run because in the long run you will find yourself exhausted , regretful and guarded to the ones who would have never treated you badly in the first place. In other words, don’t be so afraid, or so insecure that you don’t call people on their malarkey. Take them off that pedestal and put yourself up there. You’re worth it.

2. You settle because everyone has flaws and you're going to have to deal with something at some point. This is true. However, there is a difference between patience and wishful thinking. Some things, when you count up the cost, are not worth your time, comfort, tears, money, or sanity! Assess what those things are and hold everyone accountable to the same standards. Be patient, realizing that everyone won’t meet those standards and remain hopeful because someone will.

3. There is not enough concrete evidence. Casey wasn’t convicted because the prosecution’s case (and the public’s case) against her was all passion with not enough evidence. This is where the wishful thinking or the ‘here say’ comes in. We get caught up in the newness, passion and what others think of a situation but we fail to get the evidence we need to convict; or, the evidence is simply not there—it’s all ‘hear say’. Have they proven that they are ‘the one’? Have they proven themselves to be loyal, trustworthy, able to handle your emotions, sensitive to your needs? Or have they just been interesting, fun to be around and great in bed? Think about it.

4. You choose to ignore what evidence is right in front of you. I know this sounds a bit contrary to my previous point but, listen. People get away with murder in relationships (friendships, professional, dating, monogamous) because they can—because you, I, we LET THEM. I can’t say undoubtedly that Casey Anthony killed her child. Only a handful of people and God know for sure. I do believe there was some foul play involved. It’s that feeling, that inkling, that intuition that we choose to ignore for the sake of reasons 1 & 2. Something’s not right. You know he’s not ready to commit to one person, let alone to you who he just met 25 days ago, but you go ‘all in’ and place those expectations on him anyway. You know she has extreme emotional issues, but you write it off as her being a woman and ‘women just trip like that sometimes’. Stop it!!! If it’s one thing that I have learned it’s that one has to be self confident and whole before they can carry on a meaningful relationship with someone else. And, when you do get to that place of wholeness and self assurance, don’t assume that other people are in the same place just because they are putting themselves out there. They could be doing what you were doing at one point, fooling themselves.

So how do you keep the criminals off the streets of your heart? That’s another blog entry for another day so… stay tuned. If you have a suggestion, please do leave a comment.

It's Not Easy Being Cheesy

It’s a long story. I was approached by this particular guy at a new rooftop spot I decided to try. Now I don’t know if he was lying or not (leaning towards lying) but he opened with, “You look familiar.”

Yeah, ok.

After we settled on the fact that we had never crossed paths before, he got to the point. “Can a young man take you out to dinner sometime?” Sure. And we exchanged numbers. Two days later he picked me up in his Infiniti G37 and took me back to his place so he could cook dinner. He gave me some story about how he recently had to report his credit card stolen because he racked up a tab over $1000 at the spot we met, to no fault of his own. That’s why he was going to cook for me instead of taking me out.

I put my girls on alert just in case I needed reinforcements.

When I got into the car, I noticed that the “young man” looked older than I had remembered. I mean, it was dark when I met him. Turns out he was 43. I’m 29. Yeah.

Cheesy strike #1 During the ride to his house he mentioned that he was trying something new and wanted my opinion on it. Sure. He then pulled out this calendar of himself, shirtless in every picture, acting out some theme appropriate for each month. The poor quality of the photos, his “fine for an old dude/jailhouse fine” body and stern facial expressions made the decision for me: This is going nowhere.

Cheesy strike #2. The recently divorced, computer forensics specialist then proceeded to ask me a series of in-depth, mind boggling questions that in my opinion don’t really get to the heart of the person you’re trying to get to know. I indulged him. “I’m trying to advance in my career, thinking about moving, marriage, kids, blah, blah, blah.” He, not even listening, cuts me off and asks to see my hand. I’m thinking he’s going to try and read my lifeline so I offered my hand, palm side up. No!! He flips my hand over and kisses it. He caught me off guard because it wasn’t a regular, sweet kiss on the hand. It was a wet, ‘seductive’ kiss. I felt his tongue… ON MY HAND!

Ok, I just threw up in my mouth thinking about it. Excuse me while I get a sip of water. ………………………….........................................................................

I’m back. I told you this was a long story. Here’s the second half.

45 minutes later we, get to his house. He starts cooking dinner while I catch up on Single Ladies. While the chicken is baking he puts on a movie: Battle Los Angeles—pretty good movie, but not a good first date movie.

Cheesy Strike #2.5. So, we’re sitting. There’s space between us but his hand is on my lower back. Next thing I know, he’s looking at me. I slowly turned my head and smiled and ask him what was up. I was hoping he was going to start a good conversation since we hadn’t really talked for the hour and a half we had already spent together. He says, “Nothing. I just like looking at you.”

I shrugged and went back to watching the movie. Lame.

Cheesy Strike #3. He’s still looking at me. Then he asks, “Can I tell you something?” Sure. Please, tell me something.

He then leans in and gives me this deep, wet, old grandpa kiss on my cheek as if he’s trying to let me know what I’d be in for if I were to let him….

It totally reminded me of the time my grandmother tried to kiss me on the mouth when she was eating tuna and crackers. I dodged the bullet by turning my head but I got a little relish on my cheek in the process. Yeah. Ewww.

I wish I could have seen my own reaction to his attempt to be seductive. Inside, I was grossed out but also wanted to LOL at his cheesy, lame attempt to… I don’t even know what he was trying to do.

As SOON as the movie went off I asked him to take me home. He seemed shocked that I wanted to leave at 8 PM but he did what I asked. An hour later I was in the comfort of my own home dishing via text to all my girls that I had put on alert earlier.

I have been on the serious tip when it comes to dating because I would like to be in a serious relationship. However, my being serious or direct about what I want does not mean I don't want to have fun in the process. That date reminded of just how much I value the light, fun side of dating because I experienced neither lightness nor fun that evening.

I refuse to blame it on his age. My parents are older than he is and they are silly as hell. That’s where I get my silliness from. I don’t think the Big Cheese smiled one time and the only time I laughed was while I was watching Golden Girls as I waited for him to take me home. He didn't get my jokes. He didn't tell any jokes.

A guy friend suggested that I just tell him but.... I'll just leave that up to the next woman. I'm sure somebody will like him, just the way he is--with extra cheese.

5 Statements to Read Further Into

The original title of this post was going to be “5 Lies Men Tell” but something happened as my thoughts trickled down into my fingertips and spilled over onto my Word document where I could see them. I realized that these five statements are not always lies and men aren’t the only ones who use them. I must admit, have used a couple of these statements but only after hearing them from men I dated. In the words of Whitney Houston, “I learned from the best. I learned from you.” Here we go.

I’m not seeing anyone. Translation: I’m not seeing anyone that I care to tell you about. (My only issue about this particular statement is tht it may be true to the letter at the time but can change at any point in the game without notice.) Read between the lines: Technically I’m not in a relationship. Even if I don't see myself being in a relationship with you, I will go through the motions as long as it takes you to let your guard down. I don’t like to waste time so I’ll act all enamored with you right away and tell you…

I’ve never done anything like this before. Translation: The newness and potentiality of this thing is arousing. Read between the lines: I want you to think you’re special when actually, this is the same script I use with every girl I am remotely interested in. It seems to work best when used with…

It feels like I’ve known you longer than I have. Translation: Let’s get this sex thing out of the way. Read between the lines: It appears that I’m ‘all in’ but I’m just doing and saying whatever I need to do and say to make you comfortable enough to have sex with me sooner rather than later. If I'm not interested in being in a committed relationship with you, I will become distant. It will happen gradually but when you ask what the deal is, I will simply say…

I have a lot going on right now. Translation: I have a lot going on right now--work, school, other women, baby’s mama(s), etc. and you are just simply not as high on my priority list as I make you think you are sometimes. Read between the lines: We are not together. I am not obligated to explain anything to you. So, instead of calling like I used to, I revert to texting because all of a sudden…

I’m not really a phone person. Translation: I refuse to take on the responsibility of having to be mindful about your emotions so in order to avoid having to explain this to you, and risk being denied certain privileges, I go with the punk move I chose to communicate with you in colder, less emotional ways like as texting, tweeting and the occasional email. In other words, I keep in touch just enough to say I’ve been keeping in touch. Read between the lines: Phone conversations are reserved for girlfriends, close friends, family, and the cultivation of new booty. I have you where I want you. I have gotten to know you as much as I care to. I’m leaving the door open just in case you are horny and desperate the opportunity presents it’self.

I'm not saying that one should head for the hills as soon as they hear these statments. But, having been (technically) single and actively dating for a little over two years now and having had over these two years what I like to call semi-permanent, long-term “situations”, I have learned that these statements answer any questions one might have when they get to a point in dating someone where they are contemplating the next step but they are not quite sure what the other person is thinking. Of course the best way to get any questions answered is to ask but if you are looking for a long-term official, monogamous, understood by both parties type of relationship, and you hear any of these statements, don’t say I never told you.

How have you learned to interpret these statements? Do you have any to add?