A Story...

A few months ago, my laptop was outdated (to say the least) and because I was getting back into writing I wanted to “celebrate” my return with a little welcome back present to myself. So I went to Best Buy. I meandered through the aisles, vacillating, trying to decide on which device I needed to upgrade my life. Do I just get a tablet? Or do I get a laptop? Or a 2in1. Or a desktop. Wait, not a desktop. Do I go mac or PC? Known brand or lesser known? I knew I wanted something lightweight with a keyboard. Do I get the cheap one for now and reward myself later when I start making money? Or do I go all in now with the best device on the market? It was kind of like when I bought new, expensive running shoes with the hopes that I’d become a runner. That worked for a little while. Then I got distracted. But, I think I got my money’s worth.

After organizing my thoughts and answering a few questions, the tech guy tried to sell me a Dell laptop. I wasn’t feeling that. My friend Kim had a Dell back in college. Just the name sounded too old for what I was trying to do. Something new. Fresh.  I asked him about tablets. He said if I’m trying to “work”, I should go with a laptop. I felt judged. In a condescending tone he said, “tablets are for “leisure,” but he pronounced it like, “LEH-szhure” which irked my nerves and I couldn't really focus on what he was saying after that.

My mind wandered… where is he from? Just pronounce it like normal people. You work at Best Buy. Ok, who’s being judgemental now? This guy could be like Lawrence from Insecure--just getting his life together. But look at his glasses. He’s not fine like Lawrence. This might be his thing. Nothing’s wrong with working at Best Buy…

Next thing I knew he was saying, “ok well, if you need more information, I’ll be right over there.” I thanked him and moved on to look at the Surface pros. Those things are niiiiiiice! And expensive!

Out of the corner of my eye I see a lady making her way over to me. She, too worked for Best Buy. I thought she was coming over to tell me about this sleek tablet that has the power of a PC but nooooo… She said, “I see you’re looking for a laptop but girl, I came over here to look at your hair! What do you use??”

Pause

Mam

I gathered myself on the inside so as not to show I was annoyed on the outside.

I’m all about helping a sister out. And I did. I told her about embracing her natural hair texture and not comparing it to others’. “My hair is naturally curly so products don’t ‘make’ it ‘do’, products keep my hair from frizzing.” I gave her a list of products that I use and told her not to be cheap. “By the time you experiment with the cheap stuff, you will have paid for the quality products several times.” And, I closed with, “sometimes it’s just a matter of getting used to seeing yourself in a different way and embracing what you see. It’s all beautiful.”

I get it. It’s hard out here for a people trying to embrace who they are. And when you see someone that seems to be pulling it off, you have questions. HOWEVER.

She missed a sale that day. I would have been more interested in helping this sister out with a commission. She didn’t ask if I needed additional help. She didn’t offer any expertise on what she knew. She didn’t seek out my need before hers.

And I got to thinking. How often have I missed a ‘sale’ because I was in a certain place to help someone else but, instead I only tried to help myself? Sometimes, I forget to connect with why I am here. Whether here is at work, with my family, friends. Target. I always forget why I’m at Target.

The primary reason I believe I am here on this earth is to help others. And, I believe that by helping others, I, too will be taken care of. The things I seek to glean from others, whether it be knowledge, understanding, promotion… these are all bridges that can lead to me getting access to their heart. Common ground on which to stand. Help them do what, though? Well, that’s to be determined in some cases but in most, like my job and personal relationships, I’m here to help move things forward. Move the needle. Plant seeds in the the soil. Add the water. Work the land.

It’s perfectly acceptable to admire others and seek knowledge about who they are and how they came to be. But what would this world look like if we took that a step further? What if we got what we needed and also made sure the other person had what they needed from our encounter with them?

We’ve all stumbled upon encounters and conversations with strangers and friends alike where we left that place knowing we made a difference in their lives. We’ve also walked away from the same types of situations having been helped unexpectedly because the other person went out of their way to put our needs before theirs.

I guess I could have asked the lady to help me with what I came to Best Buy for… because sometimes you have not because you ask not but, that wasn’t my position. It was hers. And I left there without a laptop.

In My Write Mind

I am thankful for being in my write mind. I haven’t written a complete body of work in at least a year. But, I’m a writer. There are so many stories that need telling. Mine. Others. Truth. Fiction. Hybrid. But, I’ve been blocked. Not for lack of inspiration but lack of focus.

I started a new job three months before the first of this year. I had high hopes for myself in this new position and organization, but within those three months, I decided that I was not going to be in this position long and by March I was planning my exit strategy.

It’s kind of crazy because it took me a year to find this job. Almost. I interviewed for a different position within this organization but I didn’t get it. When the recruiter called to tell me that they were moving on with other candidates, she told me there was a different position open that she wanted me to consider. A position that was, now that i think of it, lateral from the one I was leaving but paying more than I was making at the time.

I misunderstood my value.

This was in parallel with the job I had at the time. They too were offering me a position.

After spending 6 years with my previous employer, I somehow felt like my value was tied to my salary. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it is. Employers pay for what they want. But, I’d moved up in that company twice and while that movement made me attractive to other employers it wasn’t enough where I was. From the outside looking in, employers wanted to know how went from answering phones as an office assistant to raising almost half a million dollars per year.

But within the company, they were convinced things could be better. After working in a position for 3 years, having been thrown into the sink or swim situation with minimal training and even less support, there was some restructuring under new leadership. I was to be moved into a different, new position so they could hire someone more qualified to do the job I’d been keeping afloat. Instead of seeing it as an opportunity for growth, I was insulted. Hurt. I wanted them to train me. Pay me. Don’t move me. Don’t… take this away from me.

I felt like what they were offering me was beneath me. I wanted to do more of what I had been doing. Learn more of what I already knew. I wanted more respect. More power. More money. So I sought out all those things in a new position with a new company and ended up only getting more money. For some, that’s enough but for me...

So here I am. A year later in the “new” position. What I’ve learned here are things I probably would have or could have learned right where I was and been in a better headspace. And, it hasn’t been bad, I just haven’t been my best. I haven’t been my best in a while.

I had a conversation with an… old friend… He asked me if I’d been writing lately. My first thought was, “do text messages count?” Because, I’ve been writing books on my iPhone lately, going on and on to my friends about a relationship that ended.

It got me thinking. His question. I’ve been talking a lot. I’ve been thinking a lot. Feeling disconnected. Not feeling like I’m at home or at peace. Feeling like my voice is dwindling. Not feeling like… me. I look like me. My exterior

I’m thirty five years old. Black. Female. I wear my hair in it’s naturally curly state most of the time and get the most compliments when it needs to be washed or trimmed. I was born in New Orleans at Charity Hospital which is no longer running thanks to Hurricane Katrina. I am an evacuee. My family left the day before the storm hit. I moved to Atlanta six months later and still haven’t quite shaken that displaced feeling although I’ve lived in Atlanta for almost 11 years now.

I have been writing for work--making the case for support to donors and prospective donors for my organization. But I have not been writing for me. I haven’t been writing for those like me who need me to write for them.

The more time I spend, not using this gift that haunts me, these feelings I can’t quite articulate to people around me, these tears that always break through at the most inconvenient times, this endless cycle of me looking for answers in other people, jobs, hair styles, ice cream and cities…

It’ll take me out and I’ll leave this earth full of the words, feelings, and ideas that were meant to be expressed.

However, I don’t regret the choices I made. I see the growth but I went about it the hard way, I think.

The definition of “here” is relative. Here at the moment is the mind frame. Here back then meant the company and city.

Something about this place I was in was not right for me.

Cat, Dog, Chipmunk, Me

As I was walking my dog today, I saw a baby chipmunk run past me and a cat chasing behind it. My dog went for the chipmunk but the cat raised his back and hissed in defense, ready to pounce on my dog if he came any closer. When the cat saw me he backed down and turned his attention toward the chipmunk, who had crawled up into a small tree. The cat jumped into the tree but looked at me again and then jumped back down.

It was like scene from a movie. The chipmunk was looking at the cat and me. The cat was watching chipmunk, my dog and me. My dog forgot all about the chipmunk and was trying to play with the cat. And I was watching all of them carry out their instincts, doing what came naturally to them. I guess the cat saw me as a threat because although he hesitated, he eventually retreated. My dog tried to go after him but he was on a leash, so he could only go as far as I let him. (That cat would have whipped his little 9 pound youknowwhat...) The chipmunk will probably live to see another day. And, I went on to finish my walk, turning back a few times to make sure the cat hadn't returned.

As I walked away I thought, "This must be how God looks at us sometimes as we carry out our instincts, doing what comes naturally to us." He watches...

Sometimes he provides an escape when we get trapped like the baby chipmunk. 

Sometimes he keeps us, like I keep my dog, on a short leash to stop us from going too far.

Other times he stands eye to eye and toe to toe between us and the enemy until the enemy has no choice but to retreat like that cat did.

Although operating in their God-given natures, every creature in this situation, including myself, was a benefactor of something not found in nature: Grace.

Sometimes we know exactly what it is. Like when we’re in bumper to bumper traffic, playing with our phone and we look up just in time to avoid hitting the car in front of us. Sometimes we're ignorantly aware. Like, when we have a ‘bad feeling’ that we just can’t seem to shake but nothing happens to validate it. Sometimes we’re passive benefactors. Like, when we just happen to be in the right place at the right time and something wonderful happens. It's grace.

I can recall situations where I've been the chipmunk, the cat, and the dog. And, as I left the scene, I was reminded that in nature, baby chipmunks get eaten by cats because cats get hungry and chipmunks taste good to them. Dogs like mine approach the wrong cats and end up with their eyes scratched out or worse because sometimes they can't tell the difference between a friend a foe. And cats... even big bad cats eventually meet their match.

But for grace...

Rush Hour Revelations

I didn’t know what traffic really was until I moved to Atlanta. I know it’s worse in other larger cities but no one can deny the fact that Atlanta traffic can be horrible at times for no apparent reason. In New Orleans, where I’m from, traffic can usually be explained. It’s raining. There’s construction or dense fog. An accident is up ahead. A car stalled on the ‘high rise’.  But in Atlanta, in most cases, the traffic is unexplainable. There very well may be trouble up ahead but there’s a chance that you’ll never know what the holdup was before you reach your destination.

And so it is with life. I get frustrated when I feel like I’m sitting somewhere stagnant for a period of time and can’t really pinpoint why. I pray harder, read my Bible or a self-help book, call up my friends, make a few changes in my mind, all in an effort to find out what’s really going on and why I’m not moving or why I'm moving at such a slow pace. Recently, I was sitting in the inevitable Atlanta traffic in silence and received a rush hour revelation: even though I was moving at a creepy crawly pace or sometimes not moving at all, I was still on my way to where I was supposed to be.

When he was teaching me how to drive, my dad would always warn me about immature drivers. It wasn’t at all about age.  He said you could always point them out because they weave through traffic for no apparent reason other than impatience. They feel that switching lanes every chance they get will get them to their destination sooner. Sound familiar?

Sidebar. In life and in traffic, sometimes changing lanes is necessary.  Like, when it’s time for you to exit the situation or when you need to pull over because something is wrong with your vehicle.  Or, the lane could be ending in 1,000 feet. When you can see trouble ahead that can be avoided, if you feel the need, change lanes.

When we cannot see what’s going on up ahead, sudden lane-switching can actually cause harm to ourselves and the people around us. When we're impulsively switching lanes, we often don't think to put on a signal to let others around us know that we're making a move. This is how we end up hurting people—by making impulsive decisions out of impatience and selfishness.  It may cause the people around us to be caught off guard. Then they have to make an unnecessary impulsive decision of their own which could domino into a multi-car pileup! Suicide, mass shootings, debt, fender benders and T-bones... Often times they are the result of someone’s impulsive decision made because whatever was going on at the moment was not resolving fast enough. Breathe...

One thing I’ve learned about Atlanta traffic and about life is that if you remain alert and you pump the brakes when you need to and accelerate when you need to, you’ll get to where you're supposed to be. Stay in your lane and eventually things will start to move along. Once things start moving along and you get closer to your destination, you’ll forget about the setback. You’ll forget about the extra five minutes it took to get you there because you will have arrived!

Not everyone will make it to their destination without incident. We may get pretty darn close, but most of us will never have to experience a deadly car accident, major illness, or tragic loss.  So remember, while you’re stuck in your traffic jam, whatever it may be, you may end up arriving to your destination a little later than intended but you’ll actually be right on time. It's divine, honey. If you had been 5 minutes earlier or even just 60 seconds earlier, you could have been caught up in the mess you couldn’t see ahead of you. So be thankful for the vehicle, turn up your music and enjoy the ride. Call your boss and let her know you’re stuck in traffic. (She’ll probably tell you to drive safely.) You’ll get there soon enough.

Maintenance and Growth

In December of last year, the mother of one of my closest friends passed away almost suddenly. It was sudden to me because last I heard, her health was getting better. I was unable to make it to my hometown for the funeral and I felt terrible about that. Still do. The factors that played into my not being there were fairly typical—I didn’t have money for a short-notice plane ticket and my car was giving me trouble. The older I become, the more important it is for me to ‘be there’ as much as possible for the people I love and care about. It was this unfortunate event that prompted me to think of some things differently.

I recognize that I am blessed to not really have a need for anything. So in my quiet time I would pray a pseudo humble prayer  trying to convince God that I was satisfied with the ‘things that I do have.’ But, I wasn’t. I was grateful, but not satisfied. There’s a difference.

I wanted a new car so that I could ‘be there,’ wherever that was—for emergencies, celebrations, and everything in between—to the best of my ability. I hardly have any family and/or friends in Atlanta where I currently reside and for a while, when I was trying to be grown that was fine. Now that I am grown, I know all too well that life is short. Therefore, I should capitalize on every opportunity to spend time with those most important to me.

My thoughts changed. No longer beating around the bush in my mind, I accepted the fact that I both needed and wanted a better car. I couldn’t afford it, though. As my thoughts changed, the words of my prayers changed. I asked for the provision of extra income and/or the shifting around of things in my budget so that I could afford to pay a note.  More specifically I prayed, “Lord, please tailor-make a financing deal just for me.” And guess what? He did.

Would you like to know what happened shortly thereafter? I’ll tell you anyway. Another close friend of mine had a death in her family. I thank God I was able to be there, in my new car.

This is not about the car, though. The car situation is the catalyst that propelled my mind into a deeper realm of thought. I believe that the change in my thinking—the fact that I was no longer satisfied with just making do with what I had—is what propelled the change in my situation. All of a sudden I noticed things going on in my life right now; things that are being maintained but not growing—the main ‘thing’ being Me! I beat around the bush when it comes to the things I really feel and want and it is that line of thought that has me maintaining instead of growing in many areas of my life.

I heard someone say recently, “The heart’s primary value sets a life’s course.” What does your heart value? Right now, mine is set on growth.

Stop Your Whining

I’ve read several rants from men (and some women who think more like men than they care to admit) in response to Steve Harvey’s book and movie, “...Think Like a Man” The level of pisstivity I felt while reading most of these rants is almost equal to the level I was on when I took 15 minutes to skim Mr. Harvey’s book in Barnes & Noble.

The book, while I believe could be helpful to some, didn’t have any new, earth shattering information in it for me to take to go forth and conquer. There was a joke or two but mostly it was common sense and stuff my daddy told me about as a teenager. I understand that sense is not that common and that not every woman has an unbiased male figure in her life to school her on men, so get it how you live.  Reading is fundamental, right? It just wasn't the read for me. The movie, however, was quite entertaining. I think largely because instead of Steve delivering the jokes, we got Kevin Hart. Kevin’s jokes are way funnier than Steve’s. My frustration with those who criticize the book’s author is this: You must think I’m stupid.

I know that Steve Harvey is a comedian. I know he’s on his third marriage and is rumored to be an adulterer and a liar. None of these things have anything to do with the fact that he is a man. And, as a man, he has a perspective on life and relationships. He happens to be a man who has the means and resources to get his perspective out into the mainstream. But, your problem is not with Steve.

I read a quote somewhere that said something like, “Don’t be so leery of your single friends’ marriage advice. They may not know marriage, but they do know you.” It doesn’t matter what his personal life is like. I think his biggest critics hate the fact that Steve is reiterating the fact that women need to have standards. Call it a game. Call it a 90-day rule. Call it asking too many questions. Call it whatever. The bottom line is that nobody gets what they want out of this life without setting boundaries for themselves and standards for the way others treat them. The bottom, bottom line: men don’t like boundaries. And, the bottom, bottom, bottom line: men won’t step up their game without being required to do so.

And man who criticizes another man who encourages women to have standards has no respect for or intention to do right by any woman, other than his mama, any time soon. There’s nothing wrong with this; you may not be looking for a purposeful, intentional relationship. Cool. Play on player. But don’t knock the hustle of the woman who is weeding out your kind (or the man who tips her off to your scent) in order to get what she really wants. Respect her mind.

So, she wants you to call her and not text so much. The nerve of her to ask your intentions upfront. Now she wants to go out on dates as opposed to kicking it at the house? And, she must be crazy to think that you’ll stick around until she’s ready to move to the next level physically. You must think we’re stupid because we know good and well that you would do all these things for the woman you wanted to be with. Point. Blank. Period. Men don’t move until they are good and ready. We know this. You’re just mad because we peeped game (or read Steve’s book) and decided not to waste time pussy-footing around with you... anymore.

Another thing that women know is that men cannot handle when the tables are turned on them. They go crazy when women give them a dose of their own medicine: not answering texts, being short if/when you do call. Not calling. You can't handle it. And, that’s why many are whining like babies right now in response to the book... Not even the book, the title alone, “...Think Like a Man.”  Because I can guarantee that most complaining, have not read anything beyond that.

But don't worry. This will soon blow over. I will admit to the inconsistency of [wo]mankind... The weeding process gets tiring and lonely after a while. We eventually settle for playdates so you're bound to catch one of us slipping... until the next book or movie comes out to remind us of things we already know. It's cyclical. Dry your eyes.

A Stitch in Time

We all tend to be a little more sentimental during this time of year. The change in weather, the holidays and the impending close of the year all have an impact on our thoughts and actions in some way or another. We hear and say “I Love You” more. We smile a little bit more. We indulge more in the things that make us feel happy. We spend a little bit more money and time on ourselves and the ones we love.

Some of us have a hard time dealing with this atmosphere and wish it would all pass just as quickly as it seem to have come. Yes, on the converse side of things, during this time of year, some of us ponder a bit more. We reflect on the last 12 months, our accomplishments, and our failures. The impact of loss during this time of year seems to be exponentially greater.

And, as we get older, most of us fluctuate between feelings of joy and sorrow during this time—taking the bitter with the sweet because, well… we have no choice.

Here’s a reminder for some and a bit of encouragement for us all to keep in the arsenal during this time.

God knew the good, the bad and the ugly about you before you were even formed in your mother’s womb. The mere fact that you were created and that you are still here… this is your assurance. You are here for a purpose, maybe even several. So, please, don’t give up. Keep pushing each day that you wake up and realize that you are still on this side of life. You were built specifically for this, whatever ‘this’ is and you were born to win.

I pray that each of you would find love, peace, joy and fulfillment in a way that is unique to your particular needs and desires.

Remember, our lives are but a few stitches within the fabric of time. Our individual stitches, when put together, create a pattern in that fabric and a pattern is far more outstanding and recognizable from a distance than a few stitches. With our lives, let us work together to make our communities like the patches of a quilt--places of beauty, warmth and security for those to come after us. Let us come together to create a masterpiece of love, fashioned with beautiful patterns that are as unique collectively as our individual selves. Each stitch enhances that beauty. Each stitch is important. Each stitch is made from a meticulous love. And, best of all, each stitch is necessary to make the body of work complete.

Let your motivation be love in all that you do and say.

Peace,
Nina Love, the Coco Muse